


Broken Immortal

by gothicghost



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, Post-Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:39:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9274490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothicghost/pseuds/gothicghost
Summary: Merlin is forced to live forever after the death of his best friend, and it kills him.





	1. Coming Home

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based off a thing I wrote on Wattpad. If you find it, it's literally me ranting about Merlin. It's called "RANTING ABOUT MERLIN", by me, im_fangirl_high. 
> 
> I say it's based off of that. It's actually a story using the things I said.

The blue water twinkled, reflecting the rays of sunlight that Merlin wished would disappear forever. Although the plants and the water surrounding him were beautifully colored, almost as if they were painted by a talented artist, he wished it would stop. Everything needed to stop. The world needed to stop moving. It needed to stop painting in such joyful colors. How could the world still go on when Arthur had left? How could  _he_ go on without Arthur? Merlin sat still with his knees pulled upto his chest. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted to throw a fit. That was all he did for the past two days, and now his eyes stung and his throat hurt, but never as much as the gaping hole that was left in Merlin's soul. He didn't sleep or eat for two days. He didn't want to. He just sat, staring at the lake with his toes in the sand. When the waters rose, he let it soak his trousers. He always thought of what he would be doing now if he had saved Arthur, and what more he could have done.

He should have called Kilgharrah sooner. He shouldn't have allowed Arthur those extra breaks. He could be arriving back in Camelot, laughing and smiling with a certain golden-haired king, possibly returning to work. But he can't, that king is dead. No, not _dead_. Just sleeping. Arthur wouldn't die on him like that, would he? He did. He left him here, alone and cold. And it was all Merlin's fault.

These thoughts tortured Merlin. When Merlin lost Freya, Arthur was there, attempting to lift his mood. It had worked, for the most part. This time, it was different. Arthur was gone, and he had taken a giant piece of Merlin with him. And it hurt. Oh, gods, it hurt. He did so much for Arthur, only to be rewarded with this? He already lost so much, and now... 

He was so deep in trecherous thoughts that Merlin didn't notice how much time has passed, or when Sir Percival come up behind him, and didn't acknowledge the knight when he sat down beside him for a long time. The two of them sat in silence for a few hours. Percival watched the ex-servant, and Merlin didn't move once except to scratch his nose. The knight noticed how much Merlin didn't look like Merlin. His skin was paler than it should be, only pink on his nose, ears, fingertips, and eyes. He guessed by the looks of the boy that he hadn't moved at all for a while. At about miday, Percival decided that it was time to go home. 

"Merlin," he said softly so as not to startle the boy, "We need to head back to Camelot." Merlin turned his stiff neck to the knight. 

"What's the point?" he rasped sadly, his voice scratchy from yelling so much. He cleared his throat to refresh his voice. "There's nothing left for me there." Percival paused before answering, his huge heart breaking even more. How could a man who was always so cheerful be so broken? Percival already knew the answer, and he didn't like it.

"Your friends." This only made Merlin feel guiltier than he was, but he didn't protest any more. He didn't have the energy, anyways. Percival helped his friend up to his feet, Merlin wincing as he rose. His joints ached and his feet were numb from being in one position for so long. As soon as he took a step, his knee buckled and he fell, but Percival caught him. "We only need to walk a short ways, Merlin. Just to the horse." Percival had come across one of the horses that Morgana had set loose from Merlin and Arthur, which luckily still had supplies. He supported Merlin as he limped toward the horse. Arthur's horse. Merlin swallowed the lump in his throat. Percival lifted him onto the horse and went back for Merlin's shoes, which he wiggled onto their owner's feet. He then took the lead and walked back towards Camelot. 

When the sun fell, it was time to stop. Percival tied the horse to a nearby tree and helped the shell of Merlin from the horse. He layed the only sleeping mat out for Merlin, who opened his mouth to argue, but Percival ignored him. The knight found a matchbox in the luggage and lit some dry logs. He didn't really cook, just giving Merlin a sort of stale bread, and taking some for himself. Merlin turned it over in his hands before handing it back to Percival, who denied it.

"Merlin, you need to eat." Merlin shook his head.

"I don't... I don't deserve it." Percival bit back the tears that gathered at his eyelids. He needed to be strong for his broken friend. 

"You deserve more than what's fit for a king," Percival tried to encourage him. He hated how fake his voice sounded.  Merlin shook his head harder.

"No, you don't... you don't understand... the things I've done.." Merlin said, his voice cracking. Percival looked at his friend but nodded. He wasn't going to force Merlin to eat. 

"Okay. Well, at least get some sleep." Merlin obeyed, and fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the mat. Percival stayed awake for several hours before lying down. 

By the next evening, Percival was leading the horse into the gates of Camelot. Knights escorted them to the castle as people were swarming for news of their king.  As soon as Gwen, who had been watching out the window for about two weeks, saw Percival and Merlin, she called for Gaius and the two of them rushed out to meet their friends. When Merlin saw Gwen, he immdiately turned his face down and closed his eyes tight. He didn't want to see her. He didn't want to see her grief. He just wanted to go to sleep, and never wake up again. He felt Percival's strong hands on his forearm and back, telling him that it was time to get off the horse. He threw his leg over and hopped down, with Percival's help. He was still pretty weak, but he stood up straight, with his head down. Gwen realized when Percival and Merlin rode in that Arthur and Gwaine were both dead, but she held herself back from crying. She smiled at the two men who just came home. She hugged Percival before approaching Merlin, who looked so very ill. He still had his head down, and when the queen came closer, he shut his eyes again, and turned his face to the side a bit. 

"Merlin," she said quietly. She reached one of her soft hands out and placed it on Merlin's too-sharp face. He was now squeezing his eyes tight. "I'm sorry." 

"I could've done more..." he muttered, gulping his tears down his throat. "'M sorry.." 

"Merlin, look at me." Merlin hesitated, but he did as he was told. His blue eyes were glazed over in tears and bloodshot. His lips trembled. "Listen to me, this wasn't your fault." Merlin just shook his head slightly. 

"'M sorry," he said again, his voice shuttering. He turned and walked towards his chambers, weakly pushing past crowds of people, pleading them to move. They tried to follow, as they wanted to know the full story. Merlin took off in a stumbling sprint, in an effort to escape, with a sob erupting from his throat for the first time in a few days. A rather large knight stopped him, though, and pushed him to the ground, obviously new and unaware of who Merlin was. 

"Oi! You can't go inside the castle unless you're invited or a servant!" Merlin was no longer a servant, but he lived there with the court physician. Surely he was allowed through? He started to cry uncontrollably, his whole body vibrating. His scattered mind confused him. _I just wanted to go home, why can't I go home?_ He didn't realize he said that part out loud. Leon stepped in from seemingly nowhere and ordered the knight to leave him alone. Guards surrounded the raven-haired boy and the knight. Leon looked around for Gaius, but saw that he was in deep conversation with Percival and the queen. He bent and massaged Merlin's back, trying to calm him down. Through Merlin's sobs, Leon heard him mutter things about something being 'his fault' and 'going home'. 

When Merlin pulled himself together for the most part, Leon slowly guided him to his chambers, whispering that "It's okay, you're safe" to Merlin. When Merlin made it to his room, he layed down and closed his eyes. Leon patted his shoulder to say goodbye, and left. He ordered a few guards to stand by Gaius's door and not let anyone but Gaius or Gwen in. 

It wasn't until late before Gaius came home. Percival had told him all that had happened up until they came back, and Leon told him that he had taken Merlin home after he had a sort of breakdown, and that there were guards standing outside his door to make sure no one disturbed him. Gaius thanked them and headed to his chambers. When he did get home, the first thing he did was make soup and check in on Merlin. His ward needed him now more than anything, and he also needed to get something in his stomach. He knocked on the bedroom door before entering. Merlin didn't wake up. That would make sense after what Percival had told him.

"Merlin," he said to get the warlock up. Merlin blinked open his eyes and sat up when he saw Gaius in the doorway. "I've got you some soup, here."

"I don't want it, thank you." Merlin tried to turn down the soup, he didn't want to eat yet. That was foolish, considering that this was Gaius he was talking to.

"Merlin, you haven't eaten in days." Gaius sat on the bed next to Merlin and hovered a spoon of the soup over Merlin's lips, forcing him to accept the food. It was hot in his mouth and it made him want to puke. He forced himself to swallow it for Gaius's sake. Gaius made him take a few more nasty bites and then he  felt his hunger deep in his stomach. He tried to get it down him as fast as possible, but Gaius told him to wait and eat it slowly. "You may end up throwing it up and that won't do you any good." When he finished the bowl, he felt a little better. Gaius looked at him, but instead of satisfaction, Gaius expressed worry. Merlin looked down again in guilt and sadness. "If you need to talk about anything, come find me when you're ready." Merlin nodded. Gaius stood up to leave. "Take care of yourself, Merlin." He closed the door behind him. Merlin climbed back into his bed and went to sleep again, and he slept for a long time. 

 


	2. Red Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning*

_Merlin stood in Arthur's golden and red room, staring at the king before him. His king. A smile lit up on the former servant's face for the first time in months. Arthur smiled back but with sad eyes. Merlin only noticed that he was standing with his best friend once more. The room felt so alive compared to the three months in which it was grey and blank. Just like Merlin. Merlin, who was once a wonderful man, was now broken, lost, and running into Arthur's warm arms. He held on tight to Arthur, so as not to let him escape his grasp again. Arthur's hair was clean and smelt fresh as if he had just gotten a bath. Merlin let himself absorb the scent of the king who held him just as tightly. Safe. Warm. Utterly wonderful._

_"Merlin," said Arthur, in a deep and sad tone. Merlin missed his voice, no matter how it sounded. Merlin hesitated before he pulled back to face his king. Arthur shook his had with a sigh. "Merlin, you can't keep doing this." Merlin stared, for he knew what Arthur meant._

_"Of course I can," Merlin stuttered._

_"No. You must let me go." There was silence. Merlin attempted to swallow the lump in his throat, but failed._

_"I can't. I can't lose you, Arthur." Another pause. Merlin felt the tears that stung his eyelids._

_"Merlin, remember what I told you, before I died?" Merlin thought for a moment before Arthur continued. "I told you that I wanted you to always be you." Merlin shook his head in guilt._

_"I can't, Arthur. You took what was me with you when you..." He refused say it. "And now... And I wished you took all of me. I want to be dead!" Merlin felt his tears run down his face. "I want to be where you are, and I want to be happy."_

_"I know," Arthur stated._

_"No, you don't! You don't understand what it's like..!"_

_"Yes, I do, Merlin! Because I am part of your conscience. I know what you are thinking and feeling!" Arthur's words made Merlin step back. The warlock lifted his hands to his face as a sob came to his throat. "Merlin, I'm sorry.." Arthur brought the man he once knew into his arms again._

_"I love you," Merlin said, his voice shaking. "And I wished that the real Arthur knew."_

_"I know."_

* * *

Merlin woke up missing Arthur more than before, hot tears burning into his skin. All essence of his king was gone. It was the middle of the night, and Merlin needed Arthur, the real, physical Arthur. The same Arthur that comforted and protected him when he had his worst dreams. He got up and made his way to Arthur's chambers, without dressing. Just barefoot and in his pajamas. Arthur may not be there, but lying in his bed and smelling his scent just might be enough. 

Merlin snuck around several night shift guards before finding Arthur's bedroom door. He tried to pull it, but it was locked. He suddenly remembered that Gwen told him to stay out. She must have locked the door. He tried a spell that would unlock it, easy. It didn't work. He tried another, and then another. He began to panic. Had his magic stopped working? No, he still felt it tickling his every fiber. The lock must be magic proof. He banged on he door and shook at it. He tried more spells. He shouted and struggled until he finally slid onto the floor, allowing himself to drift off back into sleep right there next to the door. 

Gaius raised a brow when he entered Merlin's room to find him missing. He had an idea of where his ward may be; it's where he would end up after having a particularly bad night.  _Why won't he talk to me?_ Gaius found Merlin, not in Arthur's room, but by the door. Gwen's magic-repelling lock must've worked. 

"Merlin," he said gentley. Merlin blinked awake and brought himself to his feet. Gaius wrapped his arm around Merlin's back and brought him home. Along the way, they encountered Queen Gwen. She smiled to greet them. Merlin only stared at his bare toes. He had no desire to speak to her. He didn't want to feel responisble for her grief, even though he knew it was his fault. He was also quite angry at her for restricting him from Arthur's room. 

"What's this?" she queried as she examined Merlin's clothing. Merlin's cotton shirt had a small tear towards the bottom and hung loosely on Merlin's frame. His hair stuck up in several places and his eyes were sunken into his skull and surrounded by dark circles. Why was he out looking like he just got out of bed?

"He discovered your magic proof lock," Gaius explained. Gwen nodded. She had made magic legal in Camelot, mostly because Gaius told her of the things Merlin has done and went through. For that, Merlin was grateful, but he was still upset at her. "He doesn't seem happy about it either." No, no he wasn't. 

"Why?" Merlin spoke up. This was the first he had spoken to her in a while. He had to know why Gwen, the woman he knew as a friend, was doing this to him. 

"I'm sorry?" Gwen was a bit shocked to hear his voice. 

"Why won't you let me in his room?" 

"It's not his room anymore, Merlin. We keep trying to clean it out, but you keep showing up. We need to keep you out so we can clean it." Merlin began to feel angry. He didn't want to be angry at Gwen. She's being perfectly reasonable for everyone. Everyone, except him, it felt like. 

"But..." Merlin began to protest, but decided it wasn't worth it. He clamped his jaws tight. Gwen was the Queen. He was only a servant. She could do what she wanted without his consent. 

"But what?" Gwen pushed. Merlin needed to get something out. She could sense it. 

"Nothing," Merlin denied. This wasn't about him. Nothing was ever about him. Why are they bothering to make things about him now? 

"It's something." Merlin sighed. He knew he couldn't escape this one. Well, he probably could. However, a part of him didn't want to. 

"I'm broken," Merlin said. He didn't want to make this into some complicated drama. He wanted to get it out so he could leave. "I'm lost. I'm cold. I feel alone. I'm putting everyone through hell, including myself. I hate the looks of sadness and anger that I get, and that I feel." His emotions were building up inside of him, now threatening to escape. His voice began to rise and tears lept to his eyes. "The world hates me. Everytime I feel happy, something goes wrong. I miss Arthur more than anything. He took a part of me with him and all that's left is a gaping hole in my chest! I loved him, actually! And the one place that makes me feel close to him, the one place that makes me feel less alone is being ripped away from me! And I can't.. I can't let go of him.. I just. I just want to die!" 

Merlin saw Gwen's look of terror. He had apparently thrown a spear that was pinned up on a wall as decoration directly at her with his magic. Luckily, he missed. He stepped back in his own shock. Gaius rushed to the Queen's side, but she pushed him aside, determined to comfort her friend. Merlin just shook his head and stumbled back, lips quivering as Gwen approached him.

"No, why? Why aren't you arresting me? Why aren't you hating me, or afraid?" Merlin froze when Gwen hugged him, and held him tight. He didn't understand. 

"I can't hate you, Merlin," she said into his shoulder. "And I'm sorry about Arthur's room, but it needs cleaned out. If you would like to have a few pillows or a blanket of his, or something, we can arrange that." Merlin nodded and hugged Gwen back. 

Maybe things weren't as bad as they felt. 

 

 


End file.
